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By Founder, Aimee Wilson
One warning I’ve heard numerous times from countless people who I’ve talked to about the Campaign, has been for me to be careful and cautious in hearing the stories and experiences of other rape and/or abuse survivors. To be aware of how it is affecting me so that I can manage any notions of becoming overwhelmed or having memories of my own experiences triggered and it leading to me struggling with my mental health. I appreciate that all these people have had the best of intentions and motivations in making these comments, but I do wish that people realised that I’m at a point in my recovery where I can really recognise when I’ve reached my limits. Their point, however, has inspired this News Article where I’m going to chat about how important control can be for survivors of rape and/or abuse, who stay silent or speak up…
Staying Silent:
My abuse (and one instance of rape during it) went on for six months before I finally just blurted it out to my abuser’s boss. After the very first instance, I think that my silence was mostly due to shock and the lack of understanding or appreciation of just how wrong it was. I was 15 when it started and in my final year of High School, but prior to this my only sex education – believe it or not – was being shown how to put a condom on a Banana! We weren’t told about rape, abuse, and the different types of sexual assault and violence. The only reason I knew everything he did was wrong was because it felt wrong. It not only physically hurt on some occasions, but also, the basic notion of being made to do something that you don’t want to, is a hugely telling sign that something isn’t right.
When the shock wore off and the abuse continued, I think that my abuser became aware that I was starting to consider telling someone and he begin filling my head with threats. With the position he was in being what it was, he had the right and ability to communicate with my Mum, so some of his threats included references to her. And my Mum has literally always been the most important person in my life, so the thought of anything along the lines of his threats happening, was massively convincing for me to do as I was told and stay silent.
One strange notion in being silent was that it seemed that despite all my very valid reasons not to talk about it and tell someone, I still felt the instinct that actually, the right thing – the thing I should be doing – was to report it. This meant that I began exhibiting all of the behaviours that signal a child or young person is being abused (a list of these can be found on the NSPCC website: Spotting the signs of child abuse | NSPCC) and in all honesty, I deemed this to be due to my sheer desperation for someone to sit up and say; “I wonder why Aimee’s doing that?” I wanted some sort of opening – some way that made telling someone what was happening not my idea or not initiated by me. That felt far more do-able – both in a practical sense and psychologically/emotionally – than me approaching someone and coming out with the entire thing!
Unfortunately, being a teenager at the time really played a troublesome role in this element of the abuse because so many people – particularly my Teachers – explained away my change in behaviour and attitude to it being a teenage rebellion or something along those lines. It left me convinced that no one had made the connection and had the realisation there was more to it, but – after reporting the abuse and the Police questioning my abuser’s colleagues – I found out that the majority of them made statements along the lines of “I thought that was happening…” or “I didn’t witness it, but I can believe it happened.” And upon hearing this, I desperately wished I could scream at them; “why the hell didn’t you do anything about it then?!” I couldn’t comprehend how someone could have such an important concern and yet take the risk of doing absolutely nothing about it! How could you live with yourself?!
I’d like to think that the fact I had this experience of staying silent about the abuse for all those months, has meant that I can really empathise and appreciate those survivors who are struggling to report their experiences. That I’m not just seeing things from one point of view of telling someone and reporting it to the Police. I know how it feels to not be in that position or of that mindset; and I’d like to think that’s helpful for the Campaign’s cause. That survivors will feel more comfortable interacting with the Campaign because they know that at the helm of it, is someone who has been where they might be. That this isn’t just another organisation being operated by someone with a qualification or career experience in mental health and traumatic experiences of this nature. This is someone who truly knows what they’re doing and what they’re saying.
Reasons To Stay Silent:
Part of me was hesitant about including this list because I very obviously really don’t want it to be seen or to become inspiration for survivors to think of these reasons that they might not have thought about until reading this! I don’t want them to end up reading this News Article and it does the exact opposite of my intentions and actually end up encouraging survivors not to report their experiences by giving them all the reasons under the sun why they shouldn’t speak up. As I said, however, I’ve been there and I ‘get it’ and to truly illustrate this, I thought that I would include the list. I’d also like to think that featuring it not only shows true understanding, appreciation, and empathy, but also a productive and positive attitude that if we don’t recognise these reasons and motivations, how on earth are we meant to tackle them and help survivors to overcome them?
ü Threats from your abuser/rapist and the consequences if they followed these through.
ü A fear of the response and reaction of those you’re telling.
ü The belief that nothing good will come from talking about it.
ü The worry that talking about it will trigger difficult memories you’ll struggle to cope with.
ü Feeling worried you’ll be embarrassed or humiliated.
ü The belief that you won’t be believed, and that your abuser/rapist’s denial will be trusted.
ü That the reaction of the person you’re talking to will affect your relationship with them.
ü Being unsure as to the process of reporting your experiences to particular professionals.
ü Feeling that you’ll be judged in some way.
ü Talking about it will make it ‘real.’
ü Concern that you’re to blame in some way and that others will echo this.
ü A lack of understanding of how wrong it is.
ü Being in shock.
ü The worry you’ll have to relive everything to describe/report it to the Police.
Why Staying Silent Matters:
I think that the ultimate important quality to staying silent after/during rape and abuse, is the aspect of control that it brings to the survivor. Sometimes, once something has been done to you that you didn’t want or permit, choosing not to do something, isn’t about simply having a choice; it’s also about the level of control that this decision brings you. This is usually because, a hugely important and natural function you lose in rape and abuse is control and choice. So, often, you’re so desperate to gain some of that back that you might even make a decision you might not normally have made!
This was a difficult one for me personally, because I was so outspoken and honest before the rape and abuse, and my abuser stole that quality from me – temporarily, at least! But, regardless, his theft of that trait of mine meant that when it came to speaking up or staying silent, my choice of silence wasn’t a decision I would have normally made. Like, if I witnessed this happen to someone else? Wow! I’d have looked like a whole different person with a completely different set of responses! And if he hadn’t robbed me of my honesty and being outspoken, I’d have screamed about the abuse and rape from the rooftops! I wouldn’t be rebelling at School and showering for over an hour in a desperate bid for someone to question why! I’d be telling them.
So, for me, staying silent felt like both a choice I wouldn’t have usually made, and therefore, also an action which I felt I was somewhat compelled to do.
How To Move Past The Reasons for Silence:
I kind of wish that me telling the story of how I changed my mind and managed to finally tell someone about the rape and abuse after those six months of trauma, was a lot more thoughtful and intricate than what actually happened…
So basically, because of what was happening, my abuser and I used to have huge, explosive arguments with each other, and it was in the midst of one of these, that I had stormed from his office (where we had been arguing) and he followed me from it to continue the row! We had raced down a set of stairs and just as we turned into a corridor, I yelled “think of your wife and children!” and in the middle of saying that; my abuser’s boss lurched from his office not far away and shouted “what the hell are you two playing at?!” And just like that… It was one of those final-straw-on-the-Camel’s-back kind of situations where I just felt like I’d been a bucket that was constantly being filled with water and finally, it had overflowed and spilt everywhere because I shouted back; “ask him what he’s been doing to me for months now!” But he just turned to me and said that he wanted to hear it from me, so I told him what had been happening right under his nose and was promptly branded a ‘little, manipulative liar!’ and told to leave the building immediately!
Almost inevitably – but definitely understandably – I was silenced again. It was one thing to not be believed by this person, but could I risk not being believed by anyone else? Would I cope with not being believed by anyone else? So, when my Mum came to collect me from the building to take me home, I had to tell her that I had no idea why I had been sent home and she demanded to see my abuser’s boss, but – thankfully – was given an excuse that he was now attending an event. When I heard laughter and looked down a nearby corridor and saw my abuser and his boss laughing and shaking hands (hence the name of the Campaign!), I knew straightaway that if he eventually spoke to my Mum and realised that I hadn’t told her what I’d told him, he wasn’t going to tell her either. Because he’d recognise that once she knew, the Police would likely end up involved and the whole thing would blow up in his face and he’d have to deal with the consequences of firstly; not realising it had been happening, and secondly; accusing me of lying about it. And so, I didn’t say a word about it for the following two years and instead, had to turn to a number of unhealthy coping strategies to either block out what had happened and the memories it had left me with, or distract myself from those memories.
Obviously, I ended up reporting it, so I thought I’d include a little list of healthy and safe ways to overcome all the reasons why you might be staying silent…
1. Tell someone you’re struggling to talk about something and articulate why without details.
2. Create a list of pros and cons to reporting your experiences.
3. Develop a list of contacts for people who can help and support you after you talk about it.
4. Have coping strategies ready to manage the responses you’re worried about facing.
5. Write out your worries and rank the chance of them actually being true/happening.
6. Consider different ways you can tell someone e.g. write it down, say it over the phone… etc.
7. Where possible, practice saying it all aloud to someone who can’t tell anyone – a pet!
8. Show someone a journal page with relevant, cut-out quotes and magazine news titles etc.
9. Call a specialist helpline or support service (look at our Help Directory for contact details).
10. Create a list of reasons why you should talk about your experiences…
Reasons To Talk:
Whilst my reasons for finally speaking up again were valid and healthy, the situation I was in which put me in a position where I had to make the decision to report my experiences, was definitely not so healthy or positive…
It was in 2009, and I had made a second suicide attempt that led to me being sectioned under the 1983 Mental Health Act for the second time that year and after sedation to receive the life-saving medical treatment for my attempt, I was transferred to a local psychiatric hospital. I managed to run away from the ward a number of times though, and eventually, the decision was made to transfer me to the hospital’s PICU (Psychiatric Intensive Care Unit) because it was a secure ward with an airlock that made it next to impossible to escape! I remember being given the ward tour and this woman was walking toward me in the corridor with white bandages from her wrists to her shoulders and I felt terrified so when I was shown to my room, I pretty much just stayed in there for a few days!
Then, one evening, I went to sit on the bench in the walled courtyard and the woman came out to smoke, but I thought it would be rude to get up and leave so I stayed there and before I knew it, we’d been sat there talking for almost two hours! We eventually got onto why we were in hospital, and she told me that she’d been raped and sexually abused by a family member when she was younger and that she’d reported it to the Police, and he’d gone to prison but had committed suicide whilst in there. So, filled with appreciation that she’d felt comfortable enough to confide in me, I reeled off my own experiences and, without even really realising, she had convinced me to tell the ward staff who were then legally obligated to report it to the Police.
Now, upon creating this list of reasons why I – and others – report their experiences of rape and/or abuse, I recognised that perhaps it’s not quite as long as the one listing reasons to stay silent, however to me; each of the following points has a greater power and influence. Each of them had a larger and more important effect on my life which meant that they really over-powered the number of reasons to stay silent. Almost like two super-heroes fighting, both are heroes, but one is actually stronger or has more/better super-powers than the other.
ü It will aid loved ones to have a better idea of how to help and support you.
ü Access to specialist help and support services/professionals.
ü It will educate others on the reasons behind some of your thoughts, feelings, and behaviours.
ü A sense of relief that you’re no longer having to keep it a secret and tell lies or evade things.
ü Having a clear conscience that you’ve done all you can to help others not to go through it too.
ü There’s a chance it will result in your rapist/abuser receiving consequences of some sort.
ü It illustrates a huge level of bravery and strength on your part.
ü Therapeutic value in talking about it.
ü The chance to properly process what happened.
ü Encourages a level of acceptance that it happened and that it’s ‘finished.’
ü A sense of closure that everything is out and nothing more can be done about it.
Why Deciding To Talk Matters:
I guess this is probably the most obvious little subtitle there ever was! Like, how many people will read this and believe they can think of one hundred thoughts or answers for it?
As I said earlier; I used to be really outspoken before the rape and abuse (I fully realise that I finally have that quality back now!) and I think that when I finally decided to talk and tell my abuser’s boss what was happening; I got a piece of that quality back. A piece of that power. And it definitely stemmed from that too many straws on the camel’s back notion or perhaps I could create my own little analogy… So, it felt like my head was a well or something, with water in it; and that my abuser had been tossing stones in with labels on them of reasons to stay silent. But even though the stones were filling the well up, they were also starting to cause the water to flow over the sides… And that water over-flowing was full of all my reasons to speak up, so they were finally free from the well and no longer being held down and controlled by his stones.
I think that the most ironic thing in my first reporting of the abuse to my abuser’s boss was that in him telling me to leave the building – and ending up giving me all these instructions regarding when I was allowed in the building again and how long for etc. – he actually freed me of the abuse that he was trying to deny was happening! I’m so grateful for this because I think that had nothing good come from reporting it… Well, firstly, it could have meant that the abuse could have carried on. Secondly, it could have meant that I likely would have stayed silenced for the rest of my life. Either way, I might have ended up dead because something not many people know is that even during the abuse – at the age of 15 – I was feeling suicidal. My abuser’s office – where most of the incidents took place – was on the first floor and he had this massive window along one side of it that I used to look out of and wonder whether I had the strength to break the glass by just running at it or if I’d need to throw something at it and then jump out. And, at the time, I thought perhaps I was just thinking of a way to escape, but now I know it was so much more than that.
So, whilst finally talking about it again two years after my abuser’s boss branded me a ‘liar’ for doing so, didn’t exactly stop the suicidal thoughts and feelings that had developed (and which really ruled my life for the following four or five years), I think that it ultimately did save my life because silence definitely wouldn’t have.
The Importance of Controlling Everything About That First Report:
It’s fair to say that sometimes, the decisions around who to report to, when to report, where to report, how to report, is taken out of your hands e.g. where perhaps a sexual assault was witnessed and it’s immediately reported to the Police or where it actually feels instinctual to go to a particular person or profession first. For the most part, however, it can be really meaningful and important for a survivor to be in as much control as possible around that first report of their experiences.
For me, whilst I felt in control in saying that other inpatient what had happened to me, it did feel like everything was massively taken from my hands after that moment. I understood and I still appreciate that the inpatient’s ethics and morals were telling her that the next right step was to tell the ward staff, but I think that in her doing so, it had made it feel more like her decision than it did mine. And that was hard to cope with – and probably made harder by the fact that I had stayed quiet for so long after my abuser’s boss branded me a ‘manipulative liar.’ It was like studying really hard for an exam, passing it, but then being told that you were actually two points off the top grade. It’s like a bittersweet achievement.
Anyway, this part of my reporting – the notion that the other inpatient had taken some control from me – told me something hugely important about rape and abuse; and that is that once it’s out there, you can’t take it back. You can’t un-say it or dismiss the importance of it. When someone knows, they know. And what they do with it is, unfortunately, completely out of your control. Sadly, you can’t dictate what someone does with their knowledge of your life story. Which is why what they know can be so important – it’s why deciding what you tell someone first is so important. And this was hard because I had judged what I said first based on the fact that I was saying it to this fellow inpatient who I felt had the ultimate understanding and empathy for my experiences. Had I been telling a member of staff first; I might have started with a different part – or a different element – of the rape and abuse. And so, because of this, when the inpatient told the staff; they were told bits I might not have wanted them to know yet – or to know at all because they were the bits, I’d decided to tell her.
Another lesson this taught me, however, was the power of accepting something for what it is and to find a balance between just rolling with it, and using whatever influence and control you do have, to make it into whatever you want it to be. Which is why, regardless of how uncomfortable it made me and how reluctant I was to do so, I went along with the whole process of confirming everything with the staff and then talking to the Police and following the procedures with them of an informal chat and then onto the formal bits of doing a written statement and then the video interview… I had to take it for what it was and stop trying to fight to do it the way I wanted to because it was too late for that. And I think this is why I really want this Campaign to empathise all these important qualities to reporting things because I don’t want for any survivor to ever be saying; “I wanted to un-do everything I’d said.” I want for no survivor to ever have any hint of regret for reporting their experiences… However, I also have to contend with reality, and I totally recognise that despite how much control you have over your first report, that doesn’t mean there’ll be no point in the future where you’ll be left feeling incredibly close to resenting your decision to speak up…
Controlling What Is Said In The Aftermath & Future:
That led nicely onto this last bit, didn’t it?
I’d consider myself – first and foremost – as a mental health Blogger, and in this fact; it’s meant that I have a heck of a lot of experience in being honest and open about details and aspects of my life that so many people would deem to be confidential, private, or intimate. In recent years – mostly since reaching one million readers – I’ve always commented that when I’m writing content for my blog, I try not to think about how many people might read it because I 100% believe that I’ll get ‘stage-fright.’ If I thought about all these people reading what I type in my one-bedroom bungalow, I don’t think I’d be at all as open and honest as I am. I’d be totally deterred from that whole attitude by the intimidating notion that yes, I’m being open and honest; but I’m doing so with literally over one million people!
One thing that I absolutely love about being open to such a huge audience though, is that it fills me with a degree of knowledge and confidence that a lot of people are finding out exactly what I want them to know. The way that my abuse happened – and the person who it was – meant that for the six months it lasted, there was a lot of face-offs between us in public where we’d argue and scream at each other for things that weren’t suggestive of what was happening behind closed doors, but which would have typically been petty for other people. Anyway, it was a very much a me versus him scenario and that notion has stayed with me so that sometimes, when I think about the stories of innocence, he’s likely still telling people, something that reassures me is the recognition that the truth that I’m telling, is likely reaching a heck of a lot more people than his lies!
One thing I’ve been mindful of in talking about the rape and abuse and knowing he’s out there denying it, is that if someone who knows/knew us both hears just one of our sides, they’re going to choose a team! They’re going to choose who to believe. I mean, they have to. You can’t partly believe one person saying someone abused them and then sort-of believe the person saying absolutely nothing happened! And knowing that a person would have to make that decision was actually another reason why I was silenced; the thought that once someone knew they’d have to decide whether to believe me and I honestly didn’t know if I could cope if just one person didn’t choose my side. Now though? If someone disagrees or doesn’t believe what I’m saying; that’s on them and their conscious, it’s not really my concern.
One Final Message:
Stay strong with your words. It’s completely easier said than done, but don’t let others control or have power of what comes out of your mouth. You’re you and that’s more than good enough.