“Memories
have huge staying power…”
J.
G. Ballard
As a rape and sexual abuse Survivor, our Founder; Aimee Wilson, felt she needed to make a conscious decision to watch Unbelievable on Netflix; a series centred around a young girl accused of lying about being raped. We wondered how she managed to emotionally get through doing this, and so we created a bit of a Q&A…
What inspired you to start considering
watching Unbelievable?
I
actually tried to watch it when it was first released in 2019, but because I
was triggered by it, I didn’t feel safe enough to continue watching, so it’s
been sat in my Watchlist since then! And then the other night, I was going
through the List looking for something different – I’m actually one of those
people who just rewatches their favourite films and series’ they’ve already seen
over and over again! I very rarely watch anything new and different, and this
is actually mostly because I have either Netflix, Amazon Prime, or Disney Plus
on in the background whilst I work and so I don’t want to put something on that
I might get distracted by. So, I always think the safest bet to avoid that from
happening is by playing something I could quote off by heart! Having finished a
ton of tasks from my to-do list one day, I decided to look for something I hadn’t
seen before; something which I could dedicate my time and attention to, and I
stumbled across Unbelievable…
How did you make the actual decision?
I
thought up a list of pros and cons!
When I
was sectioned to a psychiatric hospital from 2012 until 2014, I had Dialectical
Behaviour Therapy (DBT) and in one of the four modules titled; Distress Tolerance,
I learned of the Pros and Cons skill. They call it a Therapy ‘skill’ and I felt
I had to ‘learn’ it, but really, it’s something that a lot of people do as a
basic method or who use it as an essential tool in making a decision about
something. When you’re so mentally unwell – as I was back then – though, it can
be incredibly difficult – almost impossible in fact! – to think clearly and so ‘simple’
coping skills can very easily be either forgotten about, ignored, or just become
totally absent from your mind. As though even if you knew or used them before your
mental health really deteriorated, they had never existed. Or if you recall
them existing, you’ve rendered them useless now.
It can
be beyond hard to go through something like sexual abuse or rape and still recognise
that thinking of something so simple and basic as pros and cons can be helpful!
It’s almost like it can feel condescending. Like, surely it should take
something huge and dramatic and powerful to make a difference to your life,
your safety, and to your mental health after what you’ve gone through?! And so,
initially when I began DBT, it felt extremely patronising, and I really
rebelled against the Therapy sessions and was massively reluctant to let my
guard down and even give it a go to see if it worked. Eventually, I thought ‘what’s
the worst that could happen?’ And I began engaging with the Therapist,
trialling the different skills to see which worked for me (because regardless
of the fact that DBT was the recommended treatment for someone with my
diagnosis at the time of Borderline Personality Disorder, that doesn’t mean it helps
everyone with BPD in the exact same way), and completing the homework and all
the diary sheets documenting which skills I had used, when I’d used them, and
why I’d used them. And what do you know? It worked! It helped! It saved my
life, really.
One
skill from DBT which helped me from the offset was pros and cons, and I think
this was because a huge motivator for my lack of safety (I’d made three suicide
attempts before the hospital admission I’m referring to) had been that I always
failed to consider the fact that I really had options. That when something bad
or hard happened, I could actually choose to stay safe. Of course, at the time,
it definitely felt like there was no decision to make because if I had felt – even
for one instant – that it was optional, I would have chosen not to make attempts
to end my life and not to engage in other self-harming behaviours. In hospital,
however, I was learning to take responsibility for my actions and to accept
that I had ultimate control and so the pros and cons skill became so useful
when I would begin feeling unsafe – no matter what the reason for me feeling
that way – because it gave me the opportunity to find some calm amidst the chaos
of horrible thoughts going around my head. It allowed me the chance to rest and
think for a minute about all the consequences that would come with my action –
no matter what the action was because there are consequences to everything you do
– no matter how ‘good’ or ‘therapeutic’ or ‘helpful’ they’re deemed to be by
mental health professionals!
When we
– myself and the other inpatients – had to complete the DBT diary sheets
documenting the different skills we had used every day, the Therapist explained
that when we could no longer do it, that’s when you knew you’d mastered the
skills. She told us that if you couldn’t pinpoint a skill you’d used, when you’d
used it, and why you’d used it, that meant they were coming naturally to you,
and you had completed Therapy. And I’ve found this mostly true, but there are
still times – even ten years later! – when I feel that I’ve made a conscious decision
to use a DBT skill to help me in a situation, and this was one of those!
Which pros and cons did you think of?
Ok, so
a huge pro for me was the thought that watching Unbelievable could actually be
a good, safe ‘test’ of my stability. Now, this might not be for everyone, but that
goes to my point that everyone is different – whether you share the ‘same’
experiences or psychiatric diagnosis or not! We all feel and think differently
and for me, it can be helpful to do something that I feel is a safe and
sensible test of my stability every so often. In the past, I did this with poor
timing or in a bad way, but over time I’ve definitely learnt to be more careful
and conscientious when deciding to do something like this. I recognise that it
can obviously not always go in my favour and that my ‘test’ might end up
proving that I’m not as safe or as stable as I had thought I was, but I feel
that I’m at a point in my mental health recovery where – even if this turned
out to be the result of the ‘test’ – I’d still be safe. And that’s the most important
component for me to consider in doing this.
A con I
considered was that if it was triggering of difficult and upsetting memories,
how would that affect my work with Shake My Hand? I wasn’t thinking ‘I’ll be
unsafe and end up in hospital and then how am I supposed to keep to the huge
meeting I have scheduled Friday?!’ No, instead it was about whether being
triggered by Unbelievable would leave me feeling nervous and reluctant to pick
back up with Shake My Hand and continue to put so much time and effort into the
cause it aligns itself to.
What tips would you give to a Survivor
to avoid feeling triggered by rape or abuse content?
1.
Read
or watch content that you might potentially find triggering, in a safe and
comfortable environment e.g. your home or with a friend or family member.
2.
Have
any alternative, distracting activities nearby e.g. a computer game, another
movie in mind, a puzzle book… Something that reminds you that engaging in the
content is optional.
What pieces of advice would you give to
a Survivor if they do feel triggered?
1.
Utilise
grounding techniques e.g. influencing your senses by smelling something soothing
or I tend to squeeze my hands into a fist for a matter of seconds just to
remind myself where I am.
2.
Write
it out! Sometimes, you need to just empty your mind of all the thoughts and
feelings buzzing through it and going round and round creating an even more
difficult atmosphere in your head! Writing them down or saying them aloud –
even if you’re by yourself – can be safe and therapeutic ways to release them.
3.
Visit
our Help Directory for professional help and support: Help Directory
| Shake My Hand (shakemyhanduk.blogspot.com).