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"To encourage someone is to help instil courage in them so that they can stand up and keep pressing forward."
Kevin Ngo
I’m grateful to Aimee Wilson, founder of the Shake My Hand campaign, for inviting me to write this post. My first thought was, I don’t know what I could say that would be of value to anyone. A moment’s reflection, however, reminded me that several of my friends are survivors of rape and sexual abuse. How do I know this? Because at some point they told me about it. More significantly, they allowed me into their lives, as they live through the consequences and impact of what happened. On that basis and from that perspective, here are my thoughts, ideas, and suggestions for supporting a friend or loved one who has survived similar experiences.
A note on language and statistics
In this article I use the word survivor rather than victim, following the approach of such organisations as Darlington and County Durham’s Rape and Sexual Abuse Counselling Centre and Women Against Abuse. I also avoid gendered pronouns where possible, because rape and sexual abuse affect people irrespective of gender.
Each survivor is an individual who deserves respect and support, regardless of how many other people have been affected in similar ways. That said, here are some numbers to set things in context. According to the UK’s Office for National Statistics, an estimated 1.1 million adults in England and Wales (age sixteen and over) experienced sexual assault in the year ending March 2022 (798,000 women and 275,000 men). The Cambridge Rape Crisis Centre highlights the following harrowing statistics.
· 1 in 4 women have been subjected to some form of sexual violence since the age of sixteen.
· 1 in 6 children have been sexually abused.
· 1 in 18 men have been subjected to some kind of sexual violence since the age of sixteen.
· 798,000 women across England and Wales are raped or sexually assaulted every year. That’s 1 in 30 women.
· 94% of survivors of rape or attempted rape are women.
With all that said, what can I offer to help you support your friend or loved one?
Don’t assume you’ll never need to know
You might think no one in your family or circle of friends has ever been raped or sexually abused. You may be right. I hope you are. But given the statistics, consider the possibility that you simply may not know the truth. That’s okay. You don’t have a right to know what anyone else has been through, no matter how close the connection between you. But being aware how tragically common an experience it is, is the first step to understanding how to help. And then, if someone shares with you, you’ll know where they’re coming from and what’s at stake.
Sharing represents extreme trust and vulnerability.
Whatever your friend or loved one shares with you, recognise it for what it is, a demonstration of trust on their behalf. You might be the first person they’ve ever told, or the twentieth. This might be the first time they’ve spoken to you about it, or the hundredth. What matters is the moment. Treat it, and them, with attention, caring, and respect. Suspend any urge you might have to fix things (you can’t), make them feel better (ditto), or tell them you understand. Unless it’s happened to you, you don’t. Even if it’s happened to you, you don’t.
It’s their story not yours
In Men: When Women Talk About Their Trauma, Your Job Is Just To Listen Nia Tipton makes the point that when someone shares from a place of extreme vulnerability, your response needs to be one of attentive listening, not comparison or competition.
When women talk about the mistreatment and trauma they’ve lived through at the hands of men — men should be quiet and just listen.
As a man whose women friends have almost all survived trauma of varying kinds, this hits home. More generally, and no matter who is talking, it’s vital to realise that this is their story. Your friend, loved one, or family member has lived through things that in one way or another have impacted them deeply. It’s their story, in their words. There may be gaps and bits might be unclear to you but it’s a true story. Above all else, believe them. And say the words, so there’s no doubt. I believe you.
You don’t have a right to know the details
It’s natural to have questions, either in the moment or at some later point. In my experience, don’t be afraid to ask, but do so gently and respectfully. Make it clear your friend or loved one isn’t obliged to satisfy your curiosity. It’s not their responsibility to convince you, justify themselves, or fill the gaps in your understanding. It wasn’t your fault doesn’t depend on you knowing all the facts.
Long ago was yesterday
No matter when the abuse or rape occurred, begin by assuming it’s as raw for them today as it ever was. That may or may not be true, but don’t imagine it’s not present for them every day, just because it happened some time ago. You might feel you’d have put it behind you by now and moved on. Maybe you would. Maybe you did. But you don’t get to decide how far along the road to recovery someone is, or should be. Make a point of letting them know you’re not going anywhere, and that your support isn’t dependant on how well they’re handling things.
Don’t second guess the impact
Your friend or loved one may be affected in ways you wouldn’t necessarily expect, especially if you’ve no first-hand experience of what they’ve been through. Rape and abuse can impact people’s emotions, behaviour, and physical well-being. The following is by no means an exhaustive list.
· Physical health
· Panic attacks
· Sleeping
· Mental health, including depression and anxiety
· Suicidal thinking
· Self-harm
· Relationships, including theirs with you
For more details, check out the information for friends of survivors at Cambridge Rape Crisis. The effects may be long-term, intermittent, or appear out of the blue. They might be influenced or triggered by things you — or even your friend — can’t anticipate or avoid. By the same token, don’t make assumptions about how it “must” affect them. Everyone is different and no two people are likely to be impacted the same way.
Be patient and supportive, whether your friend is doing well right now or having a tough time of things. Celebrate milestones and healing steps, if that’s something that’s meaningful to them. If setbacks occur — a return to unhealthy coping strategies, for example — remind yourself they feel far more disappointed and frustrated about it than you do. I’m here. You’re not alone. I believe in you. These are powerful words. Say them.
Behave such that your friends would consider you safe
We’ve all said things we wish we hadn’t. Like or shared some “edgy” social media post that doesn’t reflect our true opinions or values. Nodded along with or failed to challenge an off-colour joke, story, or opinion. The fact we’ve all done it at some point doesn’t excuse us or remove the obligation to do better.
If there’s a part of you thinking “people are way too sensitive these days” or wondering why you should change how you behave just so other people won’t get upset, consider that your behaviour is contributing to the toxic culture of oppression, distress, and fear. Yes, really. To paraphrase a meme that stuck with me when I first saw it, the celebrity whose trauma you mock on social media will never see it. But your friends and family will, and they’ll know you’re not a safe person to talk to about their experiences.
The recent man or bear meme is the perfect example. If you can’t grasp that it expresses women’s very real uncertainty and fear in the presence of men — in many cases born of personal experience including sexual abuse and rape — then you’re part of the problem. If your response to “We know it’s not all men, but we don’t know who the safe ones are” is to push back because you’re one of the safe ones, you’re not.
Amongst the many responses on Quora to the question What does it mean when a woman says that, “I don’t feel safe with you”? this one resonates for me.
It probably means she doesn’t feel safe with you. She’s not obligated to tell you why she doesn’t feel safe. She may not know. You can work toward being the kind of man who is safe for a woman to be around.
I might have phrased that final sentence slightly differently — you can work towards being the kind of man who a woman will feel safe being around — but the message is sound. I have women friends who trust me, but I’m not complacent. There are women in my past who definitely didn’t at times, and there may be some now who don’t. I still have work to do. We all do.
It doesn’t go away but it’s not who they are
The impact of rape and sexual abuse on your friend or loved one may never go away, but it’s not who they are. They’re not broken, or less than. They’ve had to deal with things you may never fully understand, but they’re the same person they were before it happened — or before you knew it happened. Like you and everyone else, they have ups and downs, highs and lows, stresses, fears, dreams, disappointments, strengths, weaknesses, successes, tears, joys, and needs. Demonstrate that you’re there for the long term, for the good as well as the not so good, and they’ll be there for you.
You’re important too
The impact of rape and sexual abuse falls firstly and primarily on the survivor. Whatever your thoughts and feelings about it, they’re secondary to those of your friend or loved one. If that seems harsh, consider for a moment that you could, if you chose, walk away. They can’t. That said, it’s not easy to see those we care about working through what happened to them. Your thoughts and feelings matter too. These might include sadness, anger, resentment, frustration, and helplessness. You can’t unknow what you know. You might be concerned it will change your relationship or fear what it means for the two of you. All these feelings are valid, as are any needs you might have for help and support. It’s not unreasonable to be honest with your friend or loved one about how you’re handling what they’ve shared with you, but be careful not to shift the responsibility for supporting you back onto them. Check out the links below for information and resources.
In closing
A lot of what I’ve said might seem heavy. Daunting, even. That’s inevitable, given the seriousness of the matter. You can make a very real difference to those who have been through rape and sexual abuse. You do this by caring, by saying you’ll be there and proving it, by believing not only in the truth of what they chose to share with you, but I’m them too. It’s not always easy, but it’s also not always hard. And it’s always, always, worth it. The friendships I mentioned have been and are amongst the strongest and most significant of my life. These are people I’ve trusted — and trust — with my life, secrets, and heart every bit as much as they’ve trusted me with theirs. It can be that way for you too. Your friends and loved ones deserve it, and so do you. While I was writing this piece I came across a social media post.
In these times you got to have good friends. Not those “just fun to be around” friends. You need those “imma hold you accountable” friends. Those “let’s talk about it” friends. Those “I’m proud of you” friends. Friends who feel safe.
That’s the kind of connection I have with many of my friends, and it works both ways.
Further information and resources
The Language We Use (Women Against Abuse)
Victim? Survivor? The importance of the language we use to talk about people who have experienced sexual violence (Rape and Sexual Abuse Counselling Centre)
Men: When Women Talk About Their Trauma, Your Job Is Just To Listen
Tips for Talking with Survivors of Sexual Assault (RAINN, Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network)
Information and resources for friends of a survivor (Cambridge Rape Crisis)