When I’m finished,
They won’t even know your name
Ke$ha – Praying
The amended 1992 Sexual Offences Act creates an automatic prohibition of publicising details which identify a ‘victim of rape or other serious sexual offences’ (more information on this can be found here). So, we know that anonymity plays a huge role in rape and sexual abuse – and in more ways than just that which the Act refers to – and thought we’d have a quick chat about the different views around it and my (Aimee Wilson, Founder of Shake My Hand) personal experience, thoughts, and feelings on the subject…
There were many inspirations to Shake My Hand, but the one which really helped to create and form the idea in a more structured way, came from a very inspirational lady named Ellie Wilson (who you can follow on Twitter here). I (Aimee Wilson, Founder of Shake My Hand), had followed Ellie for a number of years and I saw her Twitter account go from being anonymously speaking out whilst she took her abuser/rapist to court, to Ellie finally waiving her right to anonymity after her abuser/rapist was found guilty and sentenced to five years in prison (her entire journey can be read here).
So, considering Ellie’s story, I think that it makes sense that she didn’t want to include her identity during the trial, and I recognise that often, something like this can be rationalised and dictated by legal guidance and advice. This is something which has largely come into play in my own experiences of sexual abuse and rape because of the fact that the CPS (the Crown Prosecution Service) felt there wasn’t enough evidence to prosecute my abuser/rapist. Their decision has meant that for me to name him on social media or anywhere else in the digital world or public realm, it could actually be considered as slander against him or defamation of character (you can read more about the legal considerations around that concept here). I honestly think that even if a person reading this has absolutely no experience or understanding of sexual abuse and/or rape, they would still recognise that this situation must be extremely frustrating and upsetting for me and this is true for a number of reasons:
1. I believed he didn’t deserve to have any sort of rights under the law.
2. I had kept the abuse a secret for two years and now I wanted to shout it from the rooftops!
3. Without being named, he was without responsibility.
4. If no one knew who he was, no one would know the importance of avoiding him!
The most frustrating element around this anonymity though, was the knowledge that if in addition to disclosing the years in which the abuse took place (2006 – 2007) I said my abuser’s job, all those who were in my life at that time would have seriously been able to say who I was referring to. That, to me, should speak volumes. It should show that others can imagine him being capable of this. It should show that our interactions that were witnessed by others, were hugely hinting at the fact that there was a lot more to it. This was evidenced when the Police told me that upon questioning my abuser’s colleagues, they all made comments that varied from “I wondered if that was happening” to “I didn’t see it, but I can believe it happened.” Now, these statements are frustrating too because it makes me think ‘why the heck didn’t you do something about it then?!’
Now, opposite to my abuser seemingly having some rights in regard to anonymity, is the issue of a Survivor having that right. For a long time, I was ashamed and embarrassed by what had happened to me because I felt stupid and ignorant for having trusted in my abuser to a point where I basically was responsible for providing him with the opportunity to carry out his horrible actions. And I hated myself for remaining silent for so long because I recognised that doing so, was really enabling him to have the chance and ability to do this to others because I had no repercussions, and no one was watching him. So, this thought that I hadn’t done everything in my power to protect others was a huge motivator for my eventual decision to report the abuse and rape to the Police.
When I first sort of publicly talked about what had happened to me… Well, it was on my mental health blog www.imnotdisordered.co.uk and I think I just felt like the abuse and my mental illness sort of went hand-in-hand and so I didn’t feel like there was a decision to make in terms of whether to disclose the abuse on my blog. It felt like an obvious move to make because I 100% believed that without the knowledge of what had happened to me, no one would fully understand my mental health journey. Missing out the abuse, felt like it would stop me from being as honest and open as I wanted to be on my blog because I worried that I’d be tiptoeing around trying to avoid saying something that would lead to mentioning it. I also thought that if I wasn’t ashamed of my mental illness, why should I feel that way about something that I was completely not responsible for?!
When my blog began earning some popularity, I found myself in the media a few times – ranging from my local newspaper to BBC National News at 10pm! – and in filming for one interview, I was just bluntly asked who had hurt me and I had to say that I couldn’t disclose his name and I felt so angry. Angry that he was being given that right – that he could cause all this damage and destruction and walk away without a single mark against his name. But I was also angry that this media story about me, mental health, and my blog should become anywhere near needing to mention him and his name. I wished he hadn’t had such a huge impact on my life and that even in recovery and having a successful blog with over 100,000 readers (at that time – it now has 1.4 million!) he somehow needed to be mentioned! So, I found the lyrics at the beginning of this post really relevant to this ending thought that I’m going to continue to work so hard and put so much passion, dedication, and determination into my life, my blog, Shake My Hand, and everything else that I do so that he is completely, 100% irrelevant. That I’m not even doing it despite him. I’m just doing it. Doing it and winning at it.