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Sunday, October 6, 2024

Things I Wish I Could Scream At My Rapist

 As Founder of this Campaign, I had imagined I’d be creating a lot – if not all – of the content on the website and the social media for Shake My Hand. However, since hiring a Social Media Assistant (the lovely Lou – who you can read about over on our Meet The Team page) I’ve been able to pretty much hand over all the content on our Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram! This means I now – gladly – have a lot more time for putting together News Articles on the Campaign’s website; and I think I like this fact because I’m a Blogger through and through, so I enjoy and excel at writing. So, I really wanted to make clear that this post is written by me because it’s obviously a very personal one, but – at the same time – I can imagine that other rape and abuse Survivors will find common ground within it; and I’m sorry if this is you…

Of all the people my rapist/abuser could have hurt, I used to think he’d chosen me; but now I know I wasn’t the only one. And, in all honesty, I don’t know which one is worse or harder to think about – thinking that I was being exclusively singled out or realising that he has put others through what I have experienced. Sometimes I think I’d rather be alone in this, but then for all the years that I thought I was alone; it was unbearable, and it added to my thoughts and feelings around suicide and self-harm. Whereas, when I found out that the last of the four other girls had also committed suicide, I have been filled with motivation. I mean, let’s be honest, the loss would either give me that or give me more reason to want to die. Thankfully, it was motivation to continue and to live on in their name. To live on in their absence and to fight for happiness and safety in a way which will do their lives and the memory of their lives, justice. They didn’t deserve what happened to them – none of us did.

From a more factual perspective, the Police in charge of the investigation into my report against him, explained why they thought he had picked me out at the time – because despite those four other girls, none of us actually went through it at the same time as each other. Which the Police explained, was likely so that he had a greater chance of ‘getting away with it’ because, they said, if he was juggling more than one crime; he’d have a lot greater of a challenging job hiding any signs, clues, or evidence. Whereas, managing just one at a time; was likely less risky for him.

Anyway, the Detectives explained that the reason for him choosing me was because I was vulnerable back then. I had just been attacked by a complete stranger on my way to School and had started having panic attacks in class. So, he offered me a pass so that I could leave class, but in leaving, I had to go and sit with him until I felt the anxiety pass. Initially, this was thoughtful and kind and caring – and really, it continued to appear that way to everyone else… It just wasn’t that way for me after around two weeks of him genuinely supporting me. When I realised that if I used the pass, it was a way for him to hurt me, I obviously stopped using it and I found I no longer needed it anyway because I was so focused on trying to cope with the start of the abuse that the anxiety seemed to go to the back of my mind!

Of course, someone like that – and someone who does something like this – comes up with a way around something that is stopping them from continuing what they want to do. So, when I stopped using that pass, he came up with other reasons to call me to his office or have a reason to be alone with me. And others thought nothing of it because they assumed it was him being supportive and compassionate. The number of reasons I had not to tell someone what he was doing to me, was ridiculous! One of the largest reasons was the things he would tell me – and I’m going to talk about that next! But the most ridiculous thing, was that despite all those reasons, telling someone was still probably the one thing I wanted to do the most! So, instead, I did things that would cry for attention in the sheer hope that at least one person would realise the change in me and sit up and think, ‘I wonder why Aimee’s doing that all of a sudden!’ Seemingly, no one did, and I went through six months of the abuse and one instance of rape before finally reporting it to my abuser’s employer.

 

So, one thing my abuser/rapist said to me during the six months of abuse, stayed with me as a reason to not report what was happening. It was that I deserved everything that was happening to me. Everything he was doing to me. He said that I was a horrible person and when one of my behaviour changes in the cry for help was to be rude and rebellious at school, he used that as an example of how bad and nasty I was.

He also used my behaviour changes as reasons why no one would believe me if I did report it. He’d tell me that because I had been so horrible to my teachers and that I was also misbehaving at home, no one would believe me over him. Him being the respectable, highly-thought-of person that he was at the time. The sort of funny thing was, that this was one thing I didn’t actually need for him to tell me! It was something I could see and recognise completely for myself. And a huge reason for this was because the abuse and the one instance of rape definitely went on behind closed doors, but we still had a public relationship which was in full view of his colleagues and my peers.

For me, it was another opportunity to make someone sit up and wonder why I thought I had the right to talk to him the way I would, and why he felt the need to treat me so poorly too. The difficulty here, was that his job – which is something I can’t disclose – and my sort of… role with his job, was something where a disagreement between the two positions was quite a common occurrence. So, I just had to hope that someone observing it would think that maybe it went a little too far to be a typical clash of personalities or behaviours or attitudes. Actually, one of his colleagues – when being questioned by Police – apparently said in her statement that she always thought it was a bit too much to be the normal level of just ‘not-getting-on.’ And when they told me she’d said this, I just wanted to scream “why the hell didn’t you do something about it then?!”

Other things my abuser said which I wonder if he meant, were around his thoughts and feelings for me. He would say that he would leave his wife and children if I said I was willing to start a relationship. And upon telling professionals this… Well, I remember seeing a Psychiatric Nurse not long after I had finally reported the rape and abuse, and she said, “so you must have been in love with him.” And it turned into an incident that I will likely never forgive myself for nor will I ever forget. We’d both been sort of sat on the edge of my bed in the hospital room and I just jumped on her and started hitting her whilst she pressed her alarm, and all the staff came running and I was put in the seclusion room and sedated. Not a single person – even afterwards – though, asked me why I’d done it. It was me having to explain myself; in the hope that doing so, would mean that they wouldn’t think too badly of me. And whilst pretty much everyone I told, said they could appreciate my anger and frustration, they also all said that they could recognise why the Nurse would say something like that. It helped though, because it meant they could explain the rationale behind that comment and that put me in a good place moving forward for people in the future saying it too. I now understand where it’s coming from and that it, mostly, isn’t meant in a detrimental or bad-natured way.

 

The final, largest thing I want to scream at my abuser/rapist, would be around whether he had received, or felt he had received, any consequences for what he’s done. I mean, the Police who investigated my report put the case to the Crown Prosecution Service (CPS) but they deemed there to not be enough evidence to go to trial and prosecute him. The one sort of good thing or helpful thing to come from their decision was that it led to the Police explaining just how much they believed me and that this was why CPS’s decision made them feel so frustrated. They were annoyed because their faith and trust in me and my account led them to feel desperate and eager to see my abuser be taken to court, imprisoned, and receiving the legal consequences for his actions.

I think that it’s actually quite sad that I was really appreciative of the Police’s support because ultimately, that’s how it should be for everyone, but the reality is that it just isn’t. The difficult thing here, is that it’s totally established that people do put in false claims of abuse and/or rape to the Police. The fact that this happens, coupled with my abuser’s word that I wouldn’t be believed and that if I was, people would think I deserved it anyway, plus my poorly mental health, gave me every reason to be convinced that the Police wouldn’t believe me. And this just shouldn’t be the case; survivors of these horrible, traumatic crimes, shouldn’t be grateful that law enforcement believed them or that they did everything they could to help. It should be a given – however, it’s important that we recognise the implications of these false claims and the reality of them making Officers who deal with them, almost naturally, really sceptical with future reports.

My largest fear in my abuser not receiving legal consequences was that without doing so, what rationale would he have that would stop him from repeating his attitude and behaviours? Like, what was there that would stop him from doing it again? And I was very unfortunately, right. The four other girls who came forward with their reports after me – well, three had taken place after my experiences and one was prior to me – were a very sad and frustrating testament to my huge concern and conviction.

The final point to wondering about my abuser/rapist dealing with living with himself afterward, is that I know he found out about my mental health, my suicide attempts, and my self-harm. So, I always wonder whether he actually fully recognised that what he did was the cause of all of that. Whether he accepted that he had caused me to be suicidal, that he had triggered me into hurting myself so drastically that I needed plastic surgery, and that because of him, I would never be the same person as I was when I first met him. And if he does realise; does he even care? Is he actually sorry for it?

For a long time, the thought that my abuser/rapist doesn’t care about the impact his actions have had on me was really debilitating because it made me feel totally unworthy or deserving of his regret. Like, I wasn’t even that much of a person for him to see the damage he’d caused in another human and feel any sort of remorse over it. In recent years though, I’ve come to see that the absence of regret is on him. That’s about him and his lack of conscience, it’s of no reflection on me and the respect, kindness, and compassion I deserved to be shown from him this entire time!

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