“Satisfaction
of one’s curiosity is one of the greatest sources of happiness in life.”
Linus
Pauling
There’s that saying about curiosity and the cat; but at Shake My Hand, we much prefer the quote above! We appreciate the power of being curious and of asking someone a question, because we recognise that it can leave a person feeling as though someone is genuinely interested and invested in their life, journey, and experiences. And this can really be a supportive and very validating and kind gesture. So, with that in mind, our Founder: Aimee Wilson, thought we should share the questions she’s being most frequently asked in regard to the Campaign…
Where did the name ‘Shake My Hand’ come
from?
(Our
Story is also on the website, here: The Story | Shake My
Hand (shakemyhanduk.blogspot.com)) In 2006, when our Founder – Aimee – was
fifteen years old, she began being sexually abused by a person who was trusted
by many people and who was in a huge position of power. After one instance of
rape during the six months of abuse, Aimee reported what had been happening to
her abuser’s employer and after being called a “manipulative liar,” she was
told to leave the premises. Whilst waiting for a family member to pick her up
to go home, Aimee heard laughter down a nearby corridor and upon looking, she
saw her abuser shaking hands with his employer and laughing.
Aimee
decided to use this title for the Campaign as a play on two mind sets and
connotations it had. She liked that it could be used as a tagline in terms of ‘Shake
My Hand to support Survivors of rape and sexual abuse,’ but she also liked that
it was a bit of an acknowledgement that she had seen the two shaking hands and
thought that it was almost as though she was calling them out on it. Aimee
hopes that it illustrates a brilliant use of taking something extremely
negative and detrimental – and which was done out of sheer spite and turning it
into something positive and productive that has ended up helping others too.
Do you still help and support people
who decide not to report their experiences?
In a
nutshell, not specifically. The Shake My Hand Campaign is dedicated to helping
and supporting people to make the decision and then for those who decide to report
their experiences, because we recognise the amount of support out there for
those who decide not to report. We feel this needs to be equal though. This is
in no way intended to state or imply that those who report need more help and
support than those who don’t, purely the recognition that specific services exist
for those not reporting rape and/or abuse, yet it’s difficult to find any that
are especially aimed at those who do report or who feel they’re in the process
of making the decision.
The
Campaign acknowledges that making the decision to report, is in absolutely no
way ‘easy’ or straightforward – that it is a process – and so it doesn’t take a
matter of hours or days to decide. We also know that a person can feel they’ve
made a decision, but this can change because we recognise the importance of
helping and supporting people with these traumatic experiences – whether they’re
reporting them or not – through knowing that whether there is a lack of help
and support or an influx of help and support, this can dramatically change a
person’s decision around reporting. So, if the Campaign was supporting someone
to make the decision and they felt they had decided not to report their
experiences, we would refer them onto a more specific service for their
decision; but would always have our ‘doors open’ should they feel there’s a
change in their decision.
A
message which the Campaign finds important to stress in this remit, is that we
are in absolutely no way, pressuring or even encouraging people to report their
experiences or rape and/or abuse – we simply want to encourage a decision; or
for the person to embark on the journey of making that decision. Whilst we
clearly promote the idea of reporting these experiences, we fully recognise that
this might not always be the ‘right’ thing to do for a Survivor and so the
Campaign is really aimed at tackling all the practical reasons why this might
not be the case e.g. the length of time it takes to process these crimes through
Court, and the attitude and actions of law enforcement or other professional personnel
towards Survivors who do report etc.
Do you appreciate that reporting isn’t always
the ‘right’ thing to do and that people can’t – and shouldn’t – be forced to do
it?
The
Campaign completely appreciates this view, thought, and feeling. From Day One of
Shake My Hand, we’ve known that a hugely beneficial quality for the Campaign is
that it was founded by someone with personal experience of the cause. So, the largest
reason for our understanding of whether reporting is ‘right,’ is because after being
told to leave the premises from reporting the abuse and rape to her abuser’s
employer, our Founder actually didn’t talk about her experiences for the entirety
of the following two years. It wasn’t until she made a suicide attempt and was
sectioned and admitted to a psychiatric hospital (after receiving life-saving medical
treatment) that Aimee met another Survivor who encouraged her to inform the
staff of the rape and abuse she had experienced.
Unfortunately,
whilst the Police expressed their trust in Aimee’s account, the Crown
Prosecution Service (CPS) made the decision not to prosecute her abuser due to
their opinion that there was a lack of evidence. Her abuser’s colleagues were
interviewed by Police with a lot of the abuse taking place in his place of work
though – as Aimee had already said – no one witnessed it. His colleagues
however, all made comments that varied from “I didn’t see it, but I can believe
it happened” to “I was wondering if that’s what was happening…” This was
frustrating for Aimee to hear, and she voiced wanting to scream at them “why
didn’t you do something about it then?!” So, hearing these statements and the evidence
Aimee could provide, left the Police saying that they felt frustrated too
because it seemingly just wasn’t good enough for CPS. With the feeling that her
report had really gone nowhere – despite her abuser now having an arrest record
and the accusation on file – Aimee said it was really hard not to regret reporting
it because she felt she had put herself through all the upset of feeling that
she had to relive everything in order to give her statement and do the
interviews with the specialist Police Officers and for what? She struggled to
establish a gain from doing it.
Through
Dialectical Behaviour Therapy and other interventions and treatments, Aimee was
able to work through these thoughts and has established a solid belief that it
had been the right thing to do because she feels that she’s done all that she
can to help prevent her abuser from hurting others. All of this experience has
helped Aimee to really model the Campaign to make it clear that we in no way
want to ‘force’ anyone to do anything and we in no way believe reporting is
always right for every Survivor. Everyone is different and every experience is
different and should therefore be respected, appreciated, and regarded as such.
Do Survivors have to report their experiences
to the Police, or do you recognise them opening up to other people too?
The Campaign
100% recognises the importance of talking about your experiences to whoever you
are willing to speak with and that this doesn’t always mean reporting the abuse
and/or rape to the Police in particular or exclusively. As Aimee discussed, her
first disclosure of her own experiences of this trauma actually wasn’t to the
Police, so again; this helps to mould the Campaign into embodying this insight,
knowledge, understanding, empathy, and experience in its attitude and actions
towards all the other Survivors it helps and supports.
One
issue with this which the Campaign wants to make really clear though, is for
Survivors to be extremely aware that there are some people who – if they
disclose experiences like rape and sexual abuse – are legally obligated to
report that to the Police. Making sure this is understood isn’t about trying to
show that the Police might likely find out what has happened anyway; it’s
completely about ensuring that a Survivor has all the knowledge and awareness
in making their decision to talk about their experiences. The last thing we’d
want is for a Survivor to speak up and be met with a response that they were
neither expecting nor in any way prepared for. We recognise that having some
sense of understanding as to the basic response they might receive from
someone, can really go a long way in reassuring the Survivor to speak up and in
helping them to actually choose who to speak up to. The absolute last thing we
want is for a Survivor to report their experiences and be met with a response
that leaves them wishing they hadn’t even entertained the possibility or idea of
reporting, let alone having even opened their mouths.
We’d
like to think that our thoughts on this area – our statement that we hold no
judgment or priority toward a Survivor who reports to the Police to one who
tells a friend – is a testament and illustration to our sheer passion for our
cause and that our ultimate priority is that the Survivor talks. We recognise
that without speaking up, it’s incredibly close to impossible to receive help
and support for your experiences because it’s likely that almost no one is
aware you might even need it. So please be reassured that no matter who you’re
considering talking to, Shake My Hand is here for you.